February 6, 2023

you are welcome in MLB Star Strength Index – A weekly quest that determines with shocking authority which of the players is in control of the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to this dystopian writer’s narrow visions. While one’s presence on this list is often ceremonial in nature, it can also be for pathos or irony purposes. The players listed are not in a specific order, just like a phone book. To the honorees this week…

Byron Buxton, twins; Corbin Burns, Brewers

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Thanks to documents retrieved from texts of various European monasteries in the Middle Ages, we know at least two things about the Conference of the Big Ten where it was meant to be designed and implemented. Coming soon are two bullet points that will present a bulleted list that is too brief to justify the use of said points:

  • The biblical speech of the Big Ten should never entail the use of the number “10”. Pointing out something nonexistent called the “Big Ten” should be punished with a quick trip to a set of wooden gallows that also serves as the trophy of the Purdue-Northwestern rivalry.
  • The foundations that make up the Big Ten should extend not from sea to shining sea but from honorable board to single-stage trusted snowblower.

We are, of course, troubled to report a violation of this second condition again. The Big Ten has already been poisoned–it’s a poison, not a poison–by non-Midwesters like Maryland and Rutgers, and now the likes of the beach-brushed USC and UCLA I made this inappropriate extension. (Big Ten beaches are accepted only when attached to plump lakes capable of managing hypothermia well in June and year-round recreational water illnesses.) In view of these unfortunate trends, we’re honored to be back on the Big Ten, and we’ll do just that by providing you with a mid-range update. season on the MLB Big Ten rankings.

At this point, it is best to provide an explanation for the readers – all four of you -. It is stated here that the team with the best record in the National Central League and the Central American League is the MLB Big Ten champion of the season. One might wonder if AL East and NL East could pair up for the ACC title or whether the two Western divisions would make it to MLB’s Pac-12. They may not, for the reasons immediately explained by the second round of points for the busy sales professional:

  • The author is biased towards the Midwest. Vive le fire pits, rust belt ale, mowers burn while watching the hurricane, and faint winter tongues burn again through the burning towers.
  • The central sections of the MLB are geographically cohesive, at least according to genre criteria. The NL and AL Central teams occupy seven different states, six of which are home to actual Big Ten teams. Even better, none of those six states is New Jersey, Maryland, or California.
  • The only state that is not part of the real and actual Ten Country is Missouri, home of the Cardinals and the Royal Family. However, you can still flood your basement there and saturate the pizza with meaningless sub-regional nuances.
  • The Pac-12 has changed its name several times to be honored here and may cease to exist soon. Also, MLB’s West teams include teams from Texas, which aren’t western enough to fall under the Pac-12 banner.
  • The Securities and Exchange Commission, unfortunately, does not have a regional counterpart in the MLB. They also care a lot about such things, which means that they will not get such things.
  • We could call the East an ACC, but we wouldn’t for a bunch of reasons, none of which deserve an explanation. Just trust us, the Big Ten is the only reasonable convention title awarded in baseball.

With these rationales made, let’s highlight the top of the current MLB Big Ten standings:

Milwaukee Brewers


Minnesota Twins


1 1/2

St. Louis Cardinals



Cleveland Guardians



Chicago White Sox



Compelling results in baseball! So that we can meet the ethos and workplace demands of this weekly smash, let’s highlight these two players above – one from each team above the MLB Big Ten stack:

  • Luis Arreaz leads the Twins in WAR at the moment, but the writer has chosen to highlight flycatcher Mr. Byron Buxton instead. When he’s healthy, he’s the best player in the Twins, and he’s among the most brilliant and well-rounded players in the game today (The author of the trilogy!). As for Midwest goodwill, he certainly knows his way around a backup generator switch.
  • Corbin Burnes by a wide margin of up to nine Iowas was the Brewers’ best performer this season. That was also the case last year, when he led Milwaukee to the MLB Big Ten title, yes. This season, the sump completed pump features ERA+ strokes of 177 and 124 strokes leading in the NL.

In closing and in anticipation of what promises to be the second half of the season in the MLB Big Ten Country, let’s read, in a murky nasal tone, the previous MLB Big Ten title winners as determined by the regular season record. Note that this sacred ledger began in 2013, when the Houston Astros were driven out of downtown, thus restoring cohesion and purity to the center.


St. Louis Cardinals


Detroit Tigers


St. Louis Cardinals


Chicago Cubs


Cleveland Indians


Milwaukee Brewers


Minnesota Twins


Minnesota Twins


Milwaukee Brewers

Now – the Twins, Brewers, Cardinals, Guardians and White Sox – they took off and honestly competed to join this name call and also for the right to lose to Alabama in a high stakes match by 38-13.

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